tell me your views about this poem if you can, rate it out of 10 points?
Yesterday you moved into Anthony Mansions,
our old block of flats in central Johannesburg
where we Nigerians disappear. I showed you
the building that shifts and sighs in the wind,
should have been demolished long ago. Sewage
fills the basement, the corridors have cracks
that let in the light, the kitchen floors slippery
from leaking pipes. The lights flicker and go out,
and the lift stuck between the ninth and tenth floor
forever. Below it, empty mine shafts collapse,
rearranging the earth. The building judders
during earth tremors, promises to swallow us up,
to secrete us one kilometre below in the Earth’s
hot belly. Anxiety Mansions, you said, would be
a better name. We cannot leave because the street
outside is occupied by Onward Christians
in green berets firing salvos up the stairwell.
We walk along the bookshelves until your mother
gathers us up and points out the miniature poses
of aggression. Toy soldiers.
WELL HONESLTY six outta ten sounds about right.
To be honesst it is crap
I like your fine sense of meter. You really must make your sentences fit your meter. This in not too hard to fix. Please do not be insulted if I point out that your ending needs work. I bet you already know that. With those fixes, it could score a lot higher.
Your images are colorful and rich. A world I am unfamiliar with was opened up to me through your writing. Thank you. However, as a poem I think it needs it needs a bit of polishing. I think the ending is one of it’s stronger points. All in all, an 8. Well done.
9.5
brilliant imagery and symbolism. i love the line breaks.
ignore what that other person said about the meter. this works. it’s almost conversational but in a profound way.
Wow, this really hits me in a way that I wasn’t expecting. The world you speak of in your prose would probably be alien to most ordinary people in North America. I wish I could learn more about the situation that you speak of. More detailed informaton would help draw the reader into the work.
Your ending is confusing to me, because I don’t have a frame of reference for ‘the miniature poses of aggression’. Also, ‘onward Christians in green berets’. I understand onward Christian soldiers, but for them to be dumped in with ‘green berets’ as in the green berets-special forces I can’t see the connection. Not all green berets would be Christians.
I can feel your passion and desire to express. As is I’d rate it 7
poorly structured, confusing if you are not associated with whatever your talking about. i’d give it a 4. try again.
10. reading that was a journey well worth taking.